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The Hedge-burner is a tram conductor. At least that’s Jim Bob’s theory. Think about it. All this free time on his hands. The pent-up aggression and frustration. The similarity in size, shape and colour of a hedge to a tram! I mean after a few Crownies and a bit of hedge smoking, one can imagine a row of hedges up the middle of Bourke Street when really those hedges are parked trams. Apparently, squatters are living in these trams, which makes you wonder how many live in hedges and have recently taken out hedgehold insurance.

It has been a refreshingly busy week on the Melbourne live band circuit. There were three highlights: Hitmen DTK, Paul Kelly, and Michelle Shocked.

Jim Bob saw Hitmen twice. At Outlaw, they sounded terrible. I can’t recollect a worse mix in over two years. I admit the drummer is shit hot, but I wouldn’t mind hearing Masuak’s lead guitar and Kannis’ vocals. This gig was redeemed by Kannis’ ever-reliable stage charisma and the awesome selections of encores they played. Seeing the Greek Elvis sing “Suspicious Minds” on the Chaser’s dance podiums was a treat.

On Friday at the Prince of Wales, the Hitmen supported X and on this night the mix was perfect, but the set disappointingly brief.

“Justice Blind” from the U.E.L.A. mini-LP was a standout track as was a new number “St. Valentine’s Day.” Again, Kannis thrilled the packed crowd with fist-punching renditions of “California Sun,” “Shake Some Action.” and “Godzilla.” The Hitmen are rock and roll soldiers fighting the war against jive. It’s rumoured that Kannis goes to the doctor after every show. Let Jim Bob tell you he sent half the audience there with him. And the word is that the band is due to blow the U.S.A. away on tour soon.

Jim Bob doesn’t want to compromise his reputation for digging long haired rock and roll, but I’ve got to admit Paul Kelly is close to my favourite Australian musician. As a singer-songwriter he is world-class and Australia’s best. This weekend he played at I.D.’s and anyone who went certainly got their 12 smacka’s worth (and let’s face it, 12 bucks won’t get you the Kentucky Fried Barrel O’Chicken these days).

Jim Bob went on Sunday night and despite it being ‘sold out’ was pleased to find that there was plenty of room for the drinking arm. I entered the show at 10.30pm and Chris Wilson, ‘the Hendrix of the harp’ had just started and was booming through “The Ballad of Slim Boy Fat.” Some cat, Dror, accompanied Wilson superbly on the electric piano through awesome renditions of “Ring of Fire,” “Ghost Ships,” and “Stormy Monday.” And this stirred more emotion in Jim Bob than Wayne Harmes’ boundary-line punch in the ’79 Grand Final.

Debra Conway from Do Re Mi got up and sung a bit and Jim Bob did enjoy “I Put a Spell on You,” and Paul’s own, “You Can Put Your Shoes Under My Bed.” But Debra has got to get rid of two things. Her armpit hair and her sister. Deb’s sister looked like she should have been singing the Tarax Black Label Lemonade commercial across some kitsch piano on a P. and O. Cruise. Not even Debra could redeem her sister with the duet “Fire.” However, Debra’s duet with Chris Wilson on “Making Whoopee” was memorable. Mind you, Jim Bob can’t picture Wilson making whoopee to anything other than a parked semi-trailer.

After a short break Kelly came on and began his 90-minute set. Despite advertising the show as a solo performance Kelly played for the most part with his guitarist Steve Conolly while his percussionist Mike provided backing vocals. At the gig’s finest moments Chris Wilson played harp.

One of the best features of the show was the unusual choice of tracks. I think just two songs were pulled from So Much Water So Close To Home including the great “She’s A Melody,” while Kelly snagged about five numbers from <>Post, his best LP. Covers included Guthrie’s “Deporters” and Reed’s “Femme Fatale.” There was one encore of about three songs duration which concluded with the bouncy “It’s Only Forty Miles To Saturday” with Wilson’s backing vocals, a highlight. Not even the tall bastard standing in front of me with Ned Kelly’s helmet as a head could dampen a fine night’s entertainment. Paul Kelly’s brilliance is only surpassed by his modestly.

Jim Bob also caught Michelle Shocked at the Old Greek on Tuesday night. I’m sure that venue once had carpet but after the audience had finished with it, it was all munched away. I thought Michelle Shocked was excellent and her enthusiasm warmed the benevolent audience. She didn’t need the accompaniment she chose for a short part of the set and like Billy Bragg, was at her best solo. I appreciate the subtleties of her songwriting and their enviable listenability, but she too should have shaved her armpits.

Went to the market on Saturday morning and got four kilos of potatoes for $2. Then I went to the cricket in the afternoon where some prick fried half of one potato, put it in a small cup and wanted $2.35 for it, so I told him to go forth and multiply, only not in those worlds.

Jim Bob “Yeah I eat quiche, but only with Crownies” Young.